Bitterness....

I hold a lot of bitterness in my daily life. I am trying to rid of it. I am currently reading "Where there is Love, There is God" - another Mother Teresa book. I highly recommend this book. It is such a feel good book, that really helps to reflect on my daily life. It's true - we hold so much bitterness in our hearts and therefor it doesn't leave room to love. To love one another, to do good to one and other. I want to rid my heart of all the bitterness and of all the awful things I do.

There is currently some family things going on and instead of being compassionate towards the situation or trying to understand some of the choices the family has made, I find myself having a negative attitude towards the decisions made. There are many things in this situation that drive me bananas! But I need to some how rid them. This is not fair to the family, to myself, or to Jesus. This is also a form of judgement. Judging the way things are done. I try so hard in my daily life not to judge strangers, and here I am judging in my own family. Not Cool. I sinned today and from today on I am going to try not to judge, or carry on in any kind of bitterness. Because having bitterness in my heart leaves no room for love and kindness.

silent sunday moments

{although this was friday - it still counts.}

Praying

we are once again praying for baby Jaden. Jaden is our nephew- he was born with a list full of problems. One kidney doesn't work, his esophagus wasn't connected to his stomach, he had 5 holes in his heart.... Well Sunday night Jaden stopped breathing several times. Luckily his mom, by trade, is a respiratory therapist so she performed CPR on J. He now is in isolation at the hospital with the superbug and pneumonia. He is also still on a ventilator and not fully breathing on his own yet. We are praying for their whole family that Jaden gets well and that no other family member gets sick. Ben and Jaden are only a month apart. Jaden never leaves our prayers. Ben and I say several a day for him . And then when Jon gets home we say some more together.

On another note - Jon and I are finally back at Church and now want to be more involved in it. It is so nice to connect together spiritually once again. We knew we had the same values and beliefs but now it is great to take about them on a daily basis together. We are now making an effort to be more involved in our community and in others lives. It is a great first step in our life.

So we ask you to keep Jaden and his family (and all the nurses and doctors!) in your prayers too. He's a strong little guy that's been through a lot in his 3 months of life so far. This song gives me hope. It was my favorite song growing up in church. I love it! I still sing it and get a little teary-eyed.

{Lord, you love our child as You love all children,

Bring healing to our child who is not well.

Stay by his side and comfort him through this trying time.

Keep us ever mindful of Your loving presence

Bless us with Your powerful healing and comfort us also.

Thank You for hearing our prayer!}

sometimes I struggle.

Today was an awesome day!.....for the most part.

I love fridays and have been spoiled since January with them. Jon is in school and gets out early on fridays, therefore we try to do a family activity on this day missing out on crowds on the weekends. So today we headed down to the local mall to see Fred Penner. Now I love love love Fred Penner and would love to take him home in my pocket - wonderful man.I grew up watching him on tv, so I jumped at the opportunity to go see him! It was great!

{Mr. Fred Penner!}

But this is where my heart struggled. Here's some history...

My brother married someone who had a little girl already.... Let's call the little girl A. We came into A's life when she had just turned one.(She is now 4). My brother's marriage didn't last and so we don't get to see A. This is probably the hardest on me. You see, I have a very big heart. I have known this for a very long time. Always have, always will. So I became quiet attached to A. She was my niece and I still love her like my own, but because of the things that happened between my brother and his ex, I really can't be apart of A's life like I used to. Things were/are messy between them and us, and so I not really an auntie to her now. Well, we saw A at the show today.... we stopped in the food court for some lunch before the show, and low and behold, A was sitting next to us with her pre-school group. She was standing there crying because she spilled her drink. I so so so wanted to jump up and hug her, and comfort her like I always have. but she didn't really remember me. This was the HARDEST thing for me. There she was standing, embarrassed and upset and there was nothing I could do. I did try - and told her that it was ok. I wanted to tell her that I loved her and to give her my drink , but I couldn't. She said she knew who I was but the excitement she used to have when she saw me wasn't there. The love she had was gone. she was a lost soul. Jon made me walk away. I know that we needed to. but here I am, 7 hours later and I am still crying. That little girl had a big part of my heart and now she isn't there. I feel as though I have lost someone truly special. She doesn't even look like herself. The sparkle in her eye, and her warm loving smile seems to have faded. I know that I have only seen her this one day, where she spilled her drink, but I can't help but feel as though she is lost. I did run into her and her mom last week at the grocery store but there too I felt as though A wasnt herself. I get it that she is now a year older then when we "left" her but she doesn't have that spark in her... and if you knew the background on this whole story you would be crying too. I love A. I always have, and always will. I will always think about her and how she is. I will have hopes and dreams for her.

I cry for her because her life is so confusing, and then I look at Ben and I see all these wonderful things he has and that she might never have. and it's not her fault. I wish the best for A. and hope that one day she never forgets us. I miss her. This breaks my heart more so then anyone could ever imagine.

In other news, I am on the path of forgiving.... I have blamed God for something in my life that happened.... my father's accident. It's been almost 10 years since this has happened and this is where I think my relationship with God ended. I am on the road to ask for forgiveness. but I am not sure how this will be excepted. I maybe shouldn't say I blame God - I am pretty sure I blame myself for what happened and not him... so maybe I am looking for the path I once was on before the accident with God. I used to talk to him daily, and not just the "Hey God it's me" kind of way - I used to walk with him, and pretend like he was walking hand in hand with me. That he knew me inside and out. And I guess if that is the case, and that I believe that God created me, that this is a path I have to take and have had to take. One day I will open up about my dad's accident. But I am not ready to blog about it in a virtual world... where maybe 6 people read it... not that if I had more followers I would open up about it, but I am simply not ready for that.

There have been alot of things and words this week that have made me think about life and our day to day things. Katie said - God gave you this day..what will you do with it? I love this. It is so true that sometimes we keep waking up and to busy to think of what a wonderful day it is no matter what the weather. It seems like the only beautiful days are when the sun is shining or when something good happens. Well that's not always the case. Like my day today - some might see it has a bad day because of miss A. But as painful as it was to not be able to comfort her, it has made me think about all the good things that have come. It has made me reflect on all that I am. That even though I think that I have lost my heart, there are times like this I get to find that. and when I think all is lost and that it hasn't been lost at all. I love this question, and now think about it daily as I get up to nurse Ben - That God has given me the most beautiful child and husband anyone could ask for. He has chosen these two people to love me unconditional no matter how moody I am , or how upset I am over someone, or how much I cry in public over something that once was and no longer is.

It's a long journey but we will get there!

{Walks are good for the soul. }

{On our walk Wednesday - Ben stayed awake for the whole hour long walk}

cold days

Sorry we have been fighting a nasty cold for the past week and a bit now... it really sucks. Ben had it (and is just starting to get rid of it) and now me.... and then Jon last night... Great. But we are trying to eat lots of veggies, fruit, and nuts... all the good things to fight it.. I am once again struggling with nursing Ben. He wouldn't latch for the first 7 weeks of life! but one day he just got it and things were great... but then I get the wonderful visit from aunt Flo every month now and my milk decreases so we are feeding every 2 hours or so and back to waking up every 2 hours in the night too. Both of us are grumpy because of it and therefore end up fighting each other because he won't latch properly and my milk isn't coming fast enough for him... its a wonderful cycle with both of us lacking in sleep! soon this week will be over and things will be better again. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

This friday we are taking Ben to see Fred Penner who is a kids entertainer from our childhood. I think it is more for us then for Ben. I got to see Mr.Dress-up when I was a kid and thought it was great - although Ben will have no memories of this except for maybe a few pics. that will be our family fun day!

weekend

I wanted to post friday funbuBen's been pretty sick with a nasty cold so here is what we did in summary

{my water baby!}

-went on a lunch date! (to my favorite pizza joint!)

-went family swimming

-finally hung photos and such up on the wall - we have some wedding photos up now - it's only going on 3 years!

-cleaned our house pretty darn good

-took Ben to emergency for his cold - had to take some medicine to open his lungs up

-hung out with some amazing friends that came up from calgary

-had a birthday dinner with family

-had to repair a flat tire.....uggg

- had to cancel a coffee date because ben was sick :(

-and snuggled lots with Ben!!

all in all it was a pretty relaxing weekend.

{ben's shelve we finally got up- in the middle is my grandmother's rosary-she passed away 8 days before Ben was born}

{we were not good with plaster casts for his hands and feet so we did paint! I love this idea more and it cost us less then 3 bucks for both!}

bad days

Ugh it's been one of those days.... when you want to stay in bed till noon and that noone bothers you. Both Ben and I seemed to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed... well in Ben's case - his crib. His nighttime sleeping habits have been driving me bananas! goes to bed at 830pm, wakes up at 1230am, then again at 2,4,6am.... really kiddo?! you can't be my child cause I love sleep! so this morning I bring him into our bed at 630am, feed and then put him next to me with the computer on so that I can maybe just sleep another 20 mins... but nope that's not the case. He's fussy - I try to put him back to bed , it works for 30 mins and he's up again. so we get up, I try to play with him - nope doesn't want that... he eats, fusses, grumpy pants, doesn't want anything to do with anything. so I finally get him to have a good nap - and I take one too - it's 10am now and we are both napping -we both then wake up at 1130am. I have tons of cleaning and cooking to do today and thinking that the hour and a half nap as help us I am eager to get up and get going in a happier mood for both of us... but nope. we aren't. He doesn't want to eat properly... in fact this is an on going issue where he just squirms! drives me bananas! It's been a rough day and feeling like a horrible mother. I wanted to put him in a time out and kept repeating no to him.. No we don't eat like that, No we don't scream like that, no no no... Poor little guy. He doesn't even know the meaning of it. and it doesn't help that I wasn't in the mood for it today. There were only about 3 times where we smiled today, even though I didn't want to I tried. I hate the word No. It's hard for me to say no to people. or well it used to be... but it can be used in such a negative way. I really need to be more positive when we are having grumpy days. I think I am still adjusting to this motherhood thing. I used to be able just to sleep off my grumpiness when I wanted to , shower when I wanted to, cook and eat when I wanted to.. with Ben these things are not when I want to but when I can... Jon is home now, he saw me in tears but just said go - I don't want to see you until Ben is hungry. I had a shower, I am now sitting writing this, I lit some candles in our room, and will begin to read some more of my Mother Theresa book. I feel horrible. Jon goes to school all day and then comes home and needs to study - but here I am at the door waiting to hand Ben off to him. Usually this is not the case, but today I need a break. And I am sure Ben can use one too.

So going to another topic, Mother Teresa.

I have always idolized her. When ever I had to write a paper on who you look up to, it was always her. I started reading her book "come be my light - the private writings of the saint of calcutta" last year and never finished it.. in fact I didn't get half way through it. but I picked it up again just before Christmas. I have always wanted to be like her. Kind and thoughtful of others, spiritual, and all around wonderful person. But it was only recently that I noticed how much I was like her. Not nearly as wonderful but so similar. She started questioning her faith -I felt so guilty questioning mine. I used to want to help people and be kind to others, but lost that way when my father had his accident. this is where I lost my faith. I lost the path I wanted to be on. and still struggle to get back on that path. In the shower today as I felt so lost and helpless. I reflected on why I want to go back to church.. It isn't to show Jesus or God I am here and want to get into heaven. It is to remind myself of all the good things in life and all the things I want to do. Such as, being patient with Ben on his grumpy days, to be kind to the people around us and far away from us, to love my husband for all he is and does, to enjoy life instead of just saying just another day or tomorrow will be better. To seek joy and love in all life as to offer for us. This is taught to us through His word. sometimes it is easier to have someone else remind us of it. Jesus did this each and every day. You don't have to be religious or believe in Jesus to be reminded to be kind to others, to be patient with others, to love others, you just have to be a better person and see what is good in this world. I have lost that. I am trying to find that. The worse part is I think I will find it in a day - when I know this is not the case. I want to have this epiphany about it - where I just wake up one day and all of a sudden my faith is there, that life is simple, that I get it. but I know I will continue to search for this, and I can't really explain what I am searching for... maybe just the inner most love I need to feel or the way I felt as a teenager. I wanted to be a nun and was probably the most religious teen you would ever find. Maybe that is what I am longing for - my old self.

Please don't get me wrong. I love Ben and often cry when I rock him to sleep every night because God has blessed us with a wonderful child, who is sweet, and calm, and loving. I cry because I have never seen such a peaceful, wonderful, more precious babe in the world. As he sleeps in my arms I never want to put him down. I never want him to feel pain, and never want anything to happen to him. He is my love, he is my soul. I love Ben and Jonathan. They are my world, my love, my happiness. Even on these grumpy days.