Over the moon and back: sometimes I struggle.

Today was an awesome day!.....for the most part.

I love fridays and have been spoiled since January with them. Jon is in school and gets out early on fridays, therefore we try to do a family activity on this day missing out on crowds on the weekends. So today we headed down to the local mall to see Fred Penner. Now I love love love Fred Penner and would love to take him home in my pocket - wonderful man.I grew up watching him on tv, so I jumped at the opportunity to go see him! It was great!

{Mr. Fred Penner!}

But this is where my heart struggled. Here's some history...

My brother married someone who had a little girl already.... Let's call the little girl A. We came into A's life when she had just turned one.(She is now 4). My brother's marriage didn't last and so we don't get to see A. This is probably the hardest on me. You see, I have a very big heart. I have known this for a very long time. Always have, always will. So I became quiet attached to A. She was my niece and I still love her like my own, but because of the things that happened between my brother and his ex, I really can't be apart of A's life like I used to. Things were/are messy between them and us, and so I not really an auntie to her now. Well, we saw A at the show today.... we stopped in the food court for some lunch before the show, and low and behold, A was sitting next to us with her pre-school group. She was standing there crying because she spilled her drink. I so so so wanted to jump up and hug her, and comfort her like I always have. but she didn't really remember me. This was the HARDEST thing for me. There she was standing, embarrassed and upset and there was nothing I could do. I did try - and told her that it was ok. I wanted to tell her that I loved her and to give her my drink , but I couldn't. She said she knew who I was but the excitement she used to have when she saw me wasn't there. The love she had was gone. she was a lost soul. Jon made me walk away. I know that we needed to. but here I am, 7 hours later and I am still crying. That little girl had a big part of my heart and now she isn't there. I feel as though I have lost someone truly special. She doesn't even look like herself. The sparkle in her eye, and her warm loving smile seems to have faded. I know that I have only seen her this one day, where she spilled her drink, but I can't help but feel as though she is lost. I did run into her and her mom last week at the grocery store but there too I felt as though A wasnt herself. I get it that she is now a year older then when we "left" her but she doesn't have that spark in her... and if you knew the background on this whole story you would be crying too. I love A. I always have, and always will. I will always think about her and how she is. I will have hopes and dreams for her.

I cry for her because her life is so confusing, and then I look at Ben and I see all these wonderful things he has and that she might never have. and it's not her fault. I wish the best for A. and hope that one day she never forgets us. I miss her. This breaks my heart more so then anyone could ever imagine.

In other news, I am on the path of forgiving.... I have blamed God for something in my life that happened.... my father's accident. It's been almost 10 years since this has happened and this is where I think my relationship with God ended. I am on the road to ask for forgiveness. but I am not sure how this will be excepted. I maybe shouldn't say I blame God - I am pretty sure I blame myself for what happened and not him... so maybe I am looking for the path I once was on before the accident with God. I used to talk to him daily, and not just the "Hey God it's me" kind of way - I used to walk with him, and pretend like he was walking hand in hand with me. That he knew me inside and out. And I guess if that is the case, and that I believe that God created me, that this is a path I have to take and have had to take. One day I will open up about my dad's accident. But I am not ready to blog about it in a virtual world... where maybe 6 people read it... not that if I had more followers I would open up about it, but I am simply not ready for that.

There have been alot of things and words this week that have made me think about life and our day to day things. Katie said - God gave you this day..what will you do with it? I love this. It is so true that sometimes we keep waking up and to busy to think of what a wonderful day it is no matter what the weather. It seems like the only beautiful days are when the sun is shining or when something good happens. Well that's not always the case. Like my day today - some might see it has a bad day because of miss A. But as painful as it was to not be able to comfort her, it has made me think about all the good things that have come. It has made me reflect on all that I am. That even though I think that I have lost my heart, there are times like this I get to find that. and when I think all is lost and that it hasn't been lost at all. I love this question, and now think about it daily as I get up to nurse Ben - That God has given me the most beautiful child and husband anyone could ask for. He has chosen these two people to love me unconditional no matter how moody I am , or how upset I am over someone, or how much I cry in public over something that once was and no longer is.

It's a long journey but we will get there!

{Walks are good for the soul. }