bad days

Ugh it's been one of those days.... when you want to stay in bed till noon and that noone bothers you. Both Ben and I seemed to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed... well in Ben's case - his crib. His nighttime sleeping habits have been driving me bananas! goes to bed at 830pm, wakes up at 1230am, then again at 2,4,6am.... really kiddo?! you can't be my child cause I love sleep! so this morning I bring him into our bed at 630am, feed and then put him next to me with the computer on so that I can maybe just sleep another 20 mins... but nope that's not the case. He's fussy - I try to put him back to bed , it works for 30 mins and he's up again. so we get up, I try to play with him - nope doesn't want that... he eats, fusses, grumpy pants, doesn't want anything to do with anything. so I finally get him to have a good nap - and I take one too - it's 10am now and we are both napping -we both then wake up at 1130am. I have tons of cleaning and cooking to do today and thinking that the hour and a half nap as help us I am eager to get up and get going in a happier mood for both of us... but nope. we aren't. He doesn't want to eat properly... in fact this is an on going issue where he just squirms! drives me bananas! It's been a rough day and feeling like a horrible mother. I wanted to put him in a time out and kept repeating no to him.. No we don't eat like that, No we don't scream like that, no no no... Poor little guy. He doesn't even know the meaning of it. and it doesn't help that I wasn't in the mood for it today. There were only about 3 times where we smiled today, even though I didn't want to I tried. I hate the word No. It's hard for me to say no to people. or well it used to be... but it can be used in such a negative way. I really need to be more positive when we are having grumpy days. I think I am still adjusting to this motherhood thing. I used to be able just to sleep off my grumpiness when I wanted to , shower when I wanted to, cook and eat when I wanted to.. with Ben these things are not when I want to but when I can... Jon is home now, he saw me in tears but just said go - I don't want to see you until Ben is hungry. I had a shower, I am now sitting writing this, I lit some candles in our room, and will begin to read some more of my Mother Theresa book. I feel horrible. Jon goes to school all day and then comes home and needs to study - but here I am at the door waiting to hand Ben off to him. Usually this is not the case, but today I need a break. And I am sure Ben can use one too.

So going to another topic, Mother Teresa.

I have always idolized her. When ever I had to write a paper on who you look up to, it was always her. I started reading her book "come be my light - the private writings of the saint of calcutta" last year and never finished it.. in fact I didn't get half way through it. but I picked it up again just before Christmas. I have always wanted to be like her. Kind and thoughtful of others, spiritual, and all around wonderful person. But it was only recently that I noticed how much I was like her. Not nearly as wonderful but so similar. She started questioning her faith -I felt so guilty questioning mine. I used to want to help people and be kind to others, but lost that way when my father had his accident. this is where I lost my faith. I lost the path I wanted to be on. and still struggle to get back on that path. In the shower today as I felt so lost and helpless. I reflected on why I want to go back to church.. It isn't to show Jesus or God I am here and want to get into heaven. It is to remind myself of all the good things in life and all the things I want to do. Such as, being patient with Ben on his grumpy days, to be kind to the people around us and far away from us, to love my husband for all he is and does, to enjoy life instead of just saying just another day or tomorrow will be better. To seek joy and love in all life as to offer for us. This is taught to us through His word. sometimes it is easier to have someone else remind us of it. Jesus did this each and every day. You don't have to be religious or believe in Jesus to be reminded to be kind to others, to be patient with others, to love others, you just have to be a better person and see what is good in this world. I have lost that. I am trying to find that. The worse part is I think I will find it in a day - when I know this is not the case. I want to have this epiphany about it - where I just wake up one day and all of a sudden my faith is there, that life is simple, that I get it. but I know I will continue to search for this, and I can't really explain what I am searching for... maybe just the inner most love I need to feel or the way I felt as a teenager. I wanted to be a nun and was probably the most religious teen you would ever find. Maybe that is what I am longing for - my old self.

Please don't get me wrong. I love Ben and often cry when I rock him to sleep every night because God has blessed us with a wonderful child, who is sweet, and calm, and loving. I cry because I have never seen such a peaceful, wonderful, more precious babe in the world. As he sleeps in my arms I never want to put him down. I never want him to feel pain, and never want anything to happen to him. He is my love, he is my soul. I love Ben and Jonathan. They are my world, my love, my happiness. Even on these grumpy days.