Oh my gosh - November?!

Where does the time go? October was full of excitement...

Ben had a mysterious rash - similar to Measles but blood work confirmed it wasn't. we still have no idea what it was. He was out for 2 weeks pretty much - maybe even a little more. And then it was his Birthday! One already! What?!! Where did the time go? This time last year - I had a one week old and now he's one. and walking and talking like there is no tomorrow. He loves to walk everywhere. and the only thing about having a child this young walking ( he was 10.5 months when he started) is that he doesn't understand the danger of walking onto the road way. or walking away from mom and dad and not holding hands. (Not that he ever even got close to a road or parking lot!) But we are trying to teach him to hold our hand. He would basically flop to the ground, pulling his little arm out of ours as strong as he could. And he is strong! But he is getting it now. Slowly.

My favorite things about Ben:

Uh-oh.... comes just before he throws things on the floor.
Duck is his favorite word.
I love when he points to something. he makes a gun like point with his thumb and finger.
I love his sweet cuddles before bed time.
I love when he goes to his room to read a book.
He is terrified of Cow!
His sweet giggles when you tickle him
The way he says "YYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"
That he has his own little language ( same blabber that he has been saying since day one)
He is a social little butterfly who loves to wave at anyone he comes across!

the list goes on and on. There isn't much I don't love about this little guy. He has my whole heart.

It's been awhile...

But here we go :)

He's walking. He has to be convinced sometimes that he can do it. But he can motor around when he wants to.

We've had an extremely busy summer. We travelled to Ontario, BC and Saskatchewan. Ben is an excellent little man to travel with.

He's now started daycare and I have gone back to work. I miss him terribly all day long.... but glad to be back doing what I love.

I will try to keep this updated. Mainly with photos I think.. but we will see :)

xo

we are still here

We are enjoying a rainy summer full of travels! We haven't spent much time at home but will update our summer soon.

My man of many faces!

{No matter how cranky you are, or how little sleep we get, I will ALWAYS love you!}

little things I love

We are back to cranky Ben and waking every 2 hours. this kid will not sleep more then 2 hrs! I am at a loss. Jon was apparently the same way until he was 2!! We are in for a long year and a half! Oh well. The days are long... so I have thought about writing something more positive.

These are just little things I love (other then Ben, Jon and Lola!)

- I love the sound of the wind in the trees. I love the sound of wind anyway.

- I love having my windows open.

- I love the sound of children playing in the street (or recently a child practicing an instrument down the street- at least I think it was a child...)

- I love going for long walks and then coming home to calculate just how far I have gone.

- I love the look the shadows of trees make in the sunshine.

- I love to cloud gaze.

- I love listening to storms and rain ( I can't wait for the first storm of the season!)

- I love the smell of bread baking

- I love people watching.

- I love saying the rosary with candles lit, and having peaceful time to reflect on my faith.

- I love popcorn! mmmmm

- I love walking bare feet ( in sand, grass, in the driveway! you name it!)

- I love midnight cuddles with Ben even when he gets up every 2 hrs. I used to get frustrated with getting up so much but now I look at the positive of that I get to cuddle with a not so cuddly boy anymore.

- I love listening to Cape Breton music. It reminds me of summer days in the sun.

- I love traveling ( although I am stressing out with the thought of traveling with Ben on a 4 hr plane ride at the end of the month - by myself!)

- I love when Ben giggles over and over again ( rare moments!)

- I love a clean house ( sadly my house is no where near being clean!)

- I love hanging clothes outside to dry instead of the dryer.

- I love the smell of lilac trees!

- and I love the sound of a purring cat!

His special day

Ben has been Baptized! Oh what a glorious feeling. It was a beautiful day surrounded by our family and friends. My dad came from the east coast and met him for the first time, my mom came from Ottawa, my brother came up from Calgary. My sister is in school in Ontario so she could not make it - but we are so proud of her for almost finishing school!

Other then that Ben's second tooth popped but he's been so off this whole week - not sleeping and not wanting to cuddle or be held by me! (heartbreaking!) but we had a great night of sleep last night! Hopefully he'll be back to himself soon.

well not much to say - I have tons of things going on today so I am up early to get them done!

WHAT A DIFFERENCE!

I have cut out dairy and soy in my diet to see if it would help Ben put on some weight.... and really I don't care about the weight (well I do... but!) He is a completely different baby! We are now having more good days then bad! And he is sooooo happy! he's the happy go lucky guy we knew he always was! What a relieve! I was at my breaking point several times with him. and now that we think we know what is wrong - it has made the world of difference in him! I no longer want to check myself into the butterscotch palace! He has completely changed! and I have too. I seem to have more patience, and am able to understand what he was going through and now know that when he is crabby it is because of milk/soy or something that just didn't agree with him. He is still teething but man, the grumpy days are hopefully over! And now we are having more good days then bad! this makes our home a much more happy and peaceful place!

My dad came into town this week from the east coast. Ben's baptism is on Sunday. Saturday night was the first time my father has ever met Ben. It was a touching moment for me. I cried leading up to the day about it so I was so full of happiness when he did meet Ben. Ben was so interested in Grandpa Johnny's moustache. It was so cute!

My mom will be coming in on friday! I can't wait. She hasn't seen Ben since Christmas! I have lots of work to do (Home and actual work!) before she arrives. My place is a mess! I am trying to find the time to get everything done.

Anyway - I will post some photos soon of everything!

xo

Operation no swaddle to commence!

It's been a long month.... Ben hasn't been gaining weight (1 lbs in 2 1/2 months!) And food hasn't been agreeing with him. He had an allergic reaction to oatmeal and threw up for 2 + hours of bile. Not cool. So looking in to things we think he has FPIES (Food Protein Induced Enterocolitis Syndrome) and the lack of weight we think is a milk/soy casein so I have eliminated dairy and soy from my diet - we have a weight appointment in June to see how we do - We have not yet been diagnosed but we are seeing if this makes a difference. So there are a lot of foods Ben can't have and now it is incredibly important that we wait a few days before introducing new foods - so this eating thing as been a long journey. so far he can have advocado, mango, carrots (although we have to try this one again) , and we tried pears last night. He has really been turned off of eating since the oatmeal incident...

Also - He cut a tooth! It's a sharp little guy, but exciting none the less. I have been pureeing his food - but since he is kind of turned off by that we are going to try and do baby led weaning now. He had such a strong interest in food up until the oatmeal..... so I am hoping to try and convince him otherwise.

We are also starting today "Operation no swaddle at nap time"... I want to break this habit and so right now is the first no swaddle nap time. If it goes well night time will happen too. So far so good - sleeping for 15 mins. I am great at letting him cry it out and be grumpy during the day - but night time is a different story - not so good at it and in fact it stresses me out! so I am trying everything during the day and then moving to nights. Hopefully it is not a long process. but with Ben every single day is different. We could have a great day with food, or sleep, or happiness and the next everything has taken 1000 steps back. Everything is a process with him and nothing is easy. I have to remind my self 5 million times a day "God doesn't give us anything we can't handle.." and I am pretty sure I pray to Mary 5 million and 10 times a day to ask her for her motherly guidance and to give me patience in this time.

Anyway I am going to try and get a few things done before the operation fails... Crossing my fingers it won't and we will have success!

Sometimes I want to check myself in to the Butterscotch Palace

It's been a crazy 2 weeks and I am finally feeling the effects of not sleeping... I am cranky and tired. Ben has been waking up every 2 hours to "eat". I think he started a habit of it when he had a cold nursing every hour or two because I am sure he had a sore throat and that made it feel better. Well he isn't sick anymore and I am struggling with getting him to sleep more then 2 hours at night. It's starting to take it's toll on me and I just want to jump ship. I have tried letting him cry it out at night (which worked for us for when he goes down for a nap - usually there is no more crying just lays and talks to whoever is in the room with him). However the midnight cry it out sucks. I have a hard time with it not to mention Jon has a hard time with it too. Last night Ben's "grumpy midnight time" came - I fed him, and then put him down - not a minute later he was screaming. there was nothing I could do for him.. he wanted to scream if I held him, scream if I put him down, scream scream scream... and there was Jon - just laying in bed snoring away.. so I left the monitor on, took my pillow went to the couch and slept there. Jon did deal with Ben and I got some sleep... guilty sleep... but sleep. and now I have a grumpy baby all day long.... and a husband who isn't really talking to me (granted he is at work - but hasn't text me all day -out of the norm)... Ugh don't you have days where you need a mommy vacation from it all. I would love to just get away - but then the guilt would set in within 20 mins of leaving the house. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE BEN AND JONATHAN with all my heart!! But this non-stop grumpy nights suck! I though sleep got better when they get older - not worse! Now I don't expect Ben to sleep through the night - but he should be going more then 2 hours! Ok... rant over. Done and done moving on.

I am going to take Arianne's post and copy it. I think it is time to reflect on the good things in life that keep us going.

1. Jonathan.. He is my heart, my rock, my everything. Without him I'd be lost, and not who I am today (even though most days I don't love myself). He loves me no matter what (at least that is what he says!)

{Right before Benjamin was born}

2. Benjamin! I couldn't imagine life without him.. in fact I barely remember life before him. I love him.

{The most recent photo shoot with Ben}

3. My family... This includes all "Niblings!" siblings, mom (mother in law), dad (dad in law) sister in laws, brother in laws, and all blood related and non blood related family. If I know you - you are most likely my family. without their wonderful guidance, their unconditional love, I would be nowhere.

{since my family is too big and I haven't put everyones picture into one .. you get my little family}

4. I also love my cat- yes I am that crazy cat lady - It is so nice to have a fluffy little kitty that will let me cry and cuddle with her whenever I need her - like last night on the couch.

{Best little kitty in the world!}

5. I love chocolate! Thanks to Ben I am now a chocoholic. Before Ben I could leave sweets alone.. in fact ,easter chocolates of mine would last a year - unless found by Jon. Now a piece of chocolate bar gives me great joy when eating...

6. I am so thankful to be able to take Ben for walks. He loves them and now with Spring almost here , the sunshine really helps us to be happy and thankful. The warm feeling when it falls upon your face truly does wonders for the soul

7. I am so thankful for finding my path in my faith (yes it is a bumpy path) but I can now see a little in front of me. There is always a long way to go but I am thankful that in my time of need (these sleepless nights) I am able to pray - I am lacking on my promise to say prayers and the rosary lately. Being able to speak to Mary when I am having difficult nights helps so much. I haven't done this in awhile and think that is why I feel like checking myself into the butterscotch palace these days.

*History - the "Crazy" house back home was painted a butterscotch color therefor we refer to it as the butterscotch palace.

quick: Sewing project

Here is the table runner that I made for our table at home. It was so simple to make - I made my sister in law one too (different material) as a Thank You for babysitting Ben A couple of times!

{The one I made for our table}

{It's reversible}

{The one for my sister in law}

ahh

I feel so refreshed! On saturday I headed up to the Catholic Church. It was Ben's nap time so Jon stayed home with him. I was so nervous about going to church by myself but what a wonderful time it was. I was able to focus on what I wanted to. I feel so refreshed after going. I really enjoy the Catholic service much more then the Lutheran service. I think just the structure of it and the focus is just not on Jesus but on the whole family. (Joseph and Mary, Jesus and God, and also all the saints) and maybe that the service is still "Old school" or maybe it's just cause that is what I am used to - growing up going to the Catholic church. But I feel so refreshed and inspired by going to church and praying. I also find that in the Catholic Church that there is time in the service for personal prayer. So I think I will continue to go to the saturday mass and then sunday morning we will go to the Lutheran service. I have absolutely nothing against the Lutheran service at all. It is very similar to the Catholic one - (same readings, same gospel).

On other notes - Ben is now sitting up on his own - he still topples over but is doing really well. We have stopped giving him solids. I have noticed this is what was contributing to the grumpiest baby on the block. I was giving him some cereal/ fruit once a week and for 4 days afterwards he was so grumpy - you couldn't even get a smile out of him. So we will see if that was for sure what was doing it. He's back to his happy- go - luck self so far.

We have also started doing the cry it out - I wasn't for this method.. but we were rocking him for over 20 mins and then when we would put him down he would scream! so We started letting him cry it out and so far it's amazing! He cried for the first nap on and off for 25 mins, and now we have it so he barely cries at all and goes down. It's been so nice. I thought that I would miss the cuddling of rocking but I am finding now he is extra cuddly during the day (which is wasn't before) It is so amazing watching him grow and learn. but sad to think he isn't a little newborn anymore.

We also have a new nephew!! Ben and Jared are only 5 months apart! they are going to be good friends! (hopefully!) Jared's just a little peanut! so sweet!

Anyway I have been slacking in the rosary department so I am going to go pray now while Ben is napping.

And always remember - God gave you this day - do something beautiful!

Prayer

For possibly the first time I said the rosary. Yup, the first time. My grandmother's rosary hangs in Ben's room. (I bought her a rosary during my trip to Rome in 2000 - and it has since come back to me) . After I put Ben down for a nap - I knew I needed time for prayer. It's been a difficult week. I have been trying to dedicate time from my day to spend time Thanking God, Jesus and Mary for a wonderful day, even if it was emotionally draining with melt downs and screaming. With the help of the internet today I said the rosary. I am sure not perfect, in fact I know it was not perfect. but it gave me such a wonderful feeling of relaxation and a closeness to God. I did apologize to God, Jesus and Mary for my lack of love towards them. as I did my eyes filled with light and my body with warmth. I haven't really given up anything for Lent but instead have added prayer time and alone time with God. I have been praying lots to Mary. For her to fill me with compassion, and patience when dealing with Ben's melt downs. As a first time mom, I have no idea what I am doing. I often find myself now (in the past few weeks) asking what would Mary do?... doesn't it seem like she would have all the answers. even if I don't know what to do - just asking myself this puts me in a place of calm and relaxation to be able to deal with the screaming and the melt downs. Our house is again at peace during these times. And it has definitely helped me at the 2am feedings and when Ben decides to wake up every 2 hours. I am not perfect at these times, I know, but it has helped me. and when I find myself getting frustrated with the situation I remember Mary and how she would have had to deal with a screaming child too, and how calm she must have been. I am not perfect. My house is never fully cleaned,my fridge is never full, my cooking is hit and miss, and my life is disorganized, but my love for Ben is always and forever there. Not once have I stopped loving him. In all he does. My love for God, Jesus and Mary is getting there- It was always there but wasn't always in my heart. They never abandoned me but I abandoned them in my time of need.

Anyway to sum it all up - I feel very refreshed today after saying the rosary - I am going to make a good solid effort to say it everyday. And really it didn't take as long as I thought. I have to remember though to slow it down and really think about what I am saying and reflecting on.

I am leaving you with this song. I have been playing it over and over and over again all day long this week.

Hail Mary,Gentle woman

sewing and working

It's been a long two weeks - I have been sewing happily with my new sewing machine - completing two projects... slow but steady. I will post them later as one of the finished projects is a gift.

And I have been working in my basement on actual work. It's hard to leave Ben upstairs with my Sister in law but I do need to work. So it's kind of a split thing. Work is good for money and paying the bills, but sad because it takes me away from Ben for a little while. But tomorrow is mommy and Ben day! I am so excited! I get him all to myself!

I have a lot more to say but need more time to compose myself.

Thank God!

After a very stressful week with Ben - He is now back to his old wonderful,easy going, self! I wasn't sure how much more I could take! He was so grumpy last week that if you even looked at him a funny way - he would freak out! I was going stir crazy! But now we have all gotten our much needed sleep and we are back on track!Ben and I went fabric shopping today in hopes of bringing some spring into our kitchen with a new table runner... and then some fabric to make a nursing cover - I have a nursing cover that my sister in law gave to us. It's wonderful! but Ben is growing and I am nowhere near being a pro at breastfeeding so I will attempt to make a bigger one.

{the floral and blue are for the table runner and the black is the nursing cover}

I will let you know how these go - I will attempt to cut and pin them tonight now that Ben goes to bed at a decent time!

I put together Ben's highchair all by myself! I have been noticing that Ben likes to be able to see me - so I figured I would set that up so that when I am in the kitchen cooking and baking he can be there too - sitting and playing with his toys. He loves it and we often now eat our supper at the table with Ben. Ben has also tried brown rice cereal for the first time. He loved it!!! He wanted more afterwards! but I have waited a few days to give it to him again. I am not sure if mommy is ready for that step. I thought I was - but now I am not sure! silly me!

{first time in the high chair and cereal!}

Not much else is going on - Jon and I have been attending Church again and it feels so good to connect together with God. I am Roman Catholic and Jon is Lutheran - We attend the Lutheran church - which is so very similar to the Catholic Church (yes I know it is a separation of the catholic church) but I do miss the Catholic service a little. Maybe it is because I know a catholic service inside and out. and am still getting use to the Lutheran ones.... Either way it is great to be together on the path of faith again.

YAY!

I am so excited! I just got back from purchasing a sewing machine! I can't wait to start some projects! I am not sure what to make or anything but I am just happy to have one! I started sewing in 2009! Yup I had no idea how to even sew a button! and so I took a class and now I can sew some what.... I am still learning! ok ok I have a lot to learn!

The past week has been kind of intense... Jon got the stomach flu.. Ben is incredibly grumpy! I was ready to check myself into the butterscotch palace! Today seems to be the best day that Ben has had - back to his happy self and not fighting sleep as much. Today he is much more himself. Which makes for a happy mommy! I think he is teething! He can't get enough chomping on things! What a monkey! He had cereal for the first time last night and he loved it!!! He was angry when he ate the whole bowl!!! That's a great thing.. I think we are going to try baby led weaning. I do need to read up on it a little more but it seems interesting and really... who has time to puree everything. I think Ben will have a solid appetite! so I think he will do well with it.

Anyway the boy is finally napping and I need to get some supper going and the house needs a good tiding!

Happy Friday!

Bitterness....

I hold a lot of bitterness in my daily life. I am trying to rid of it. I am currently reading "Where there is Love, There is God" - another Mother Teresa book. I highly recommend this book. It is such a feel good book, that really helps to reflect on my daily life. It's true - we hold so much bitterness in our hearts and therefor it doesn't leave room to love. To love one another, to do good to one and other. I want to rid my heart of all the bitterness and of all the awful things I do.

There is currently some family things going on and instead of being compassionate towards the situation or trying to understand some of the choices the family has made, I find myself having a negative attitude towards the decisions made. There are many things in this situation that drive me bananas! But I need to some how rid them. This is not fair to the family, to myself, or to Jesus. This is also a form of judgement. Judging the way things are done. I try so hard in my daily life not to judge strangers, and here I am judging in my own family. Not Cool. I sinned today and from today on I am going to try not to judge, or carry on in any kind of bitterness. Because having bitterness in my heart leaves no room for love and kindness.

silent sunday moments

{although this was friday - it still counts.}

Praying

we are once again praying for baby Jaden. Jaden is our nephew- he was born with a list full of problems. One kidney doesn't work, his esophagus wasn't connected to his stomach, he had 5 holes in his heart.... Well Sunday night Jaden stopped breathing several times. Luckily his mom, by trade, is a respiratory therapist so she performed CPR on J. He now is in isolation at the hospital with the superbug and pneumonia. He is also still on a ventilator and not fully breathing on his own yet. We are praying for their whole family that Jaden gets well and that no other family member gets sick. Ben and Jaden are only a month apart. Jaden never leaves our prayers. Ben and I say several a day for him . And then when Jon gets home we say some more together.

On another note - Jon and I are finally back at Church and now want to be more involved in it. It is so nice to connect together spiritually once again. We knew we had the same values and beliefs but now it is great to take about them on a daily basis together. We are now making an effort to be more involved in our community and in others lives. It is a great first step in our life.

So we ask you to keep Jaden and his family (and all the nurses and doctors!) in your prayers too. He's a strong little guy that's been through a lot in his 3 months of life so far. This song gives me hope. It was my favorite song growing up in church. I love it! I still sing it and get a little teary-eyed.

{Lord, you love our child as You love all children,

Bring healing to our child who is not well.

Stay by his side and comfort him through this trying time.

Keep us ever mindful of Your loving presence

Bless us with Your powerful healing and comfort us also.

Thank You for hearing our prayer!}

sometimes I struggle.

Today was an awesome day!.....for the most part.

I love fridays and have been spoiled since January with them. Jon is in school and gets out early on fridays, therefore we try to do a family activity on this day missing out on crowds on the weekends. So today we headed down to the local mall to see Fred Penner. Now I love love love Fred Penner and would love to take him home in my pocket - wonderful man.I grew up watching him on tv, so I jumped at the opportunity to go see him! It was great!

{Mr. Fred Penner!}

But this is where my heart struggled. Here's some history...

My brother married someone who had a little girl already.... Let's call the little girl A. We came into A's life when she had just turned one.(She is now 4). My brother's marriage didn't last and so we don't get to see A. This is probably the hardest on me. You see, I have a very big heart. I have known this for a very long time. Always have, always will. So I became quiet attached to A. She was my niece and I still love her like my own, but because of the things that happened between my brother and his ex, I really can't be apart of A's life like I used to. Things were/are messy between them and us, and so I not really an auntie to her now. Well, we saw A at the show today.... we stopped in the food court for some lunch before the show, and low and behold, A was sitting next to us with her pre-school group. She was standing there crying because she spilled her drink. I so so so wanted to jump up and hug her, and comfort her like I always have. but she didn't really remember me. This was the HARDEST thing for me. There she was standing, embarrassed and upset and there was nothing I could do. I did try - and told her that it was ok. I wanted to tell her that I loved her and to give her my drink , but I couldn't. She said she knew who I was but the excitement she used to have when she saw me wasn't there. The love she had was gone. she was a lost soul. Jon made me walk away. I know that we needed to. but here I am, 7 hours later and I am still crying. That little girl had a big part of my heart and now she isn't there. I feel as though I have lost someone truly special. She doesn't even look like herself. The sparkle in her eye, and her warm loving smile seems to have faded. I know that I have only seen her this one day, where she spilled her drink, but I can't help but feel as though she is lost. I did run into her and her mom last week at the grocery store but there too I felt as though A wasnt herself. I get it that she is now a year older then when we "left" her but she doesn't have that spark in her... and if you knew the background on this whole story you would be crying too. I love A. I always have, and always will. I will always think about her and how she is. I will have hopes and dreams for her.

I cry for her because her life is so confusing, and then I look at Ben and I see all these wonderful things he has and that she might never have. and it's not her fault. I wish the best for A. and hope that one day she never forgets us. I miss her. This breaks my heart more so then anyone could ever imagine.

In other news, I am on the path of forgiving.... I have blamed God for something in my life that happened.... my father's accident. It's been almost 10 years since this has happened and this is where I think my relationship with God ended. I am on the road to ask for forgiveness. but I am not sure how this will be excepted. I maybe shouldn't say I blame God - I am pretty sure I blame myself for what happened and not him... so maybe I am looking for the path I once was on before the accident with God. I used to talk to him daily, and not just the "Hey God it's me" kind of way - I used to walk with him, and pretend like he was walking hand in hand with me. That he knew me inside and out. And I guess if that is the case, and that I believe that God created me, that this is a path I have to take and have had to take. One day I will open up about my dad's accident. But I am not ready to blog about it in a virtual world... where maybe 6 people read it... not that if I had more followers I would open up about it, but I am simply not ready for that.

There have been alot of things and words this week that have made me think about life and our day to day things. Katie said - God gave you this day..what will you do with it? I love this. It is so true that sometimes we keep waking up and to busy to think of what a wonderful day it is no matter what the weather. It seems like the only beautiful days are when the sun is shining or when something good happens. Well that's not always the case. Like my day today - some might see it has a bad day because of miss A. But as painful as it was to not be able to comfort her, it has made me think about all the good things that have come. It has made me reflect on all that I am. That even though I think that I have lost my heart, there are times like this I get to find that. and when I think all is lost and that it hasn't been lost at all. I love this question, and now think about it daily as I get up to nurse Ben - That God has given me the most beautiful child and husband anyone could ask for. He has chosen these two people to love me unconditional no matter how moody I am , or how upset I am over someone, or how much I cry in public over something that once was and no longer is.

It's a long journey but we will get there!

{Walks are good for the soul. }

{On our walk Wednesday - Ben stayed awake for the whole hour long walk}

cold days

Sorry we have been fighting a nasty cold for the past week and a bit now... it really sucks. Ben had it (and is just starting to get rid of it) and now me.... and then Jon last night... Great. But we are trying to eat lots of veggies, fruit, and nuts... all the good things to fight it.. I am once again struggling with nursing Ben. He wouldn't latch for the first 7 weeks of life! but one day he just got it and things were great... but then I get the wonderful visit from aunt Flo every month now and my milk decreases so we are feeding every 2 hours or so and back to waking up every 2 hours in the night too. Both of us are grumpy because of it and therefore end up fighting each other because he won't latch properly and my milk isn't coming fast enough for him... its a wonderful cycle with both of us lacking in sleep! soon this week will be over and things will be better again. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

This friday we are taking Ben to see Fred Penner who is a kids entertainer from our childhood. I think it is more for us then for Ben. I got to see Mr.Dress-up when I was a kid and thought it was great - although Ben will have no memories of this except for maybe a few pics. that will be our family fun day!

weekend

I wanted to post friday funbuBen's been pretty sick with a nasty cold so here is what we did in summary

{my water baby!}

-went on a lunch date! (to my favorite pizza joint!)

-went family swimming

-finally hung photos and such up on the wall - we have some wedding photos up now - it's only going on 3 years!

-cleaned our house pretty darn good

-took Ben to emergency for his cold - had to take some medicine to open his lungs up

-hung out with some amazing friends that came up from calgary

-had a birthday dinner with family

-had to repair a flat tire.....uggg

- had to cancel a coffee date because ben was sick :(

-and snuggled lots with Ben!!

all in all it was a pretty relaxing weekend.

{ben's shelve we finally got up- in the middle is my grandmother's rosary-she passed away 8 days before Ben was born}

{we were not good with plaster casts for his hands and feet so we did paint! I love this idea more and it cost us less then 3 bucks for both!}

bad days

Ugh it's been one of those days.... when you want to stay in bed till noon and that noone bothers you. Both Ben and I seemed to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed... well in Ben's case - his crib. His nighttime sleeping habits have been driving me bananas! goes to bed at 830pm, wakes up at 1230am, then again at 2,4,6am.... really kiddo?! you can't be my child cause I love sleep! so this morning I bring him into our bed at 630am, feed and then put him next to me with the computer on so that I can maybe just sleep another 20 mins... but nope that's not the case. He's fussy - I try to put him back to bed , it works for 30 mins and he's up again. so we get up, I try to play with him - nope doesn't want that... he eats, fusses, grumpy pants, doesn't want anything to do with anything. so I finally get him to have a good nap - and I take one too - it's 10am now and we are both napping -we both then wake up at 1130am. I have tons of cleaning and cooking to do today and thinking that the hour and a half nap as help us I am eager to get up and get going in a happier mood for both of us... but nope. we aren't. He doesn't want to eat properly... in fact this is an on going issue where he just squirms! drives me bananas! It's been a rough day and feeling like a horrible mother. I wanted to put him in a time out and kept repeating no to him.. No we don't eat like that, No we don't scream like that, no no no... Poor little guy. He doesn't even know the meaning of it. and it doesn't help that I wasn't in the mood for it today. There were only about 3 times where we smiled today, even though I didn't want to I tried. I hate the word No. It's hard for me to say no to people. or well it used to be... but it can be used in such a negative way. I really need to be more positive when we are having grumpy days. I think I am still adjusting to this motherhood thing. I used to be able just to sleep off my grumpiness when I wanted to , shower when I wanted to, cook and eat when I wanted to.. with Ben these things are not when I want to but when I can... Jon is home now, he saw me in tears but just said go - I don't want to see you until Ben is hungry. I had a shower, I am now sitting writing this, I lit some candles in our room, and will begin to read some more of my Mother Theresa book. I feel horrible. Jon goes to school all day and then comes home and needs to study - but here I am at the door waiting to hand Ben off to him. Usually this is not the case, but today I need a break. And I am sure Ben can use one too.

So going to another topic, Mother Teresa.

I have always idolized her. When ever I had to write a paper on who you look up to, it was always her. I started reading her book "come be my light - the private writings of the saint of calcutta" last year and never finished it.. in fact I didn't get half way through it. but I picked it up again just before Christmas. I have always wanted to be like her. Kind and thoughtful of others, spiritual, and all around wonderful person. But it was only recently that I noticed how much I was like her. Not nearly as wonderful but so similar. She started questioning her faith -I felt so guilty questioning mine. I used to want to help people and be kind to others, but lost that way when my father had his accident. this is where I lost my faith. I lost the path I wanted to be on. and still struggle to get back on that path. In the shower today as I felt so lost and helpless. I reflected on why I want to go back to church.. It isn't to show Jesus or God I am here and want to get into heaven. It is to remind myself of all the good things in life and all the things I want to do. Such as, being patient with Ben on his grumpy days, to be kind to the people around us and far away from us, to love my husband for all he is and does, to enjoy life instead of just saying just another day or tomorrow will be better. To seek joy and love in all life as to offer for us. This is taught to us through His word. sometimes it is easier to have someone else remind us of it. Jesus did this each and every day. You don't have to be religious or believe in Jesus to be reminded to be kind to others, to be patient with others, to love others, you just have to be a better person and see what is good in this world. I have lost that. I am trying to find that. The worse part is I think I will find it in a day - when I know this is not the case. I want to have this epiphany about it - where I just wake up one day and all of a sudden my faith is there, that life is simple, that I get it. but I know I will continue to search for this, and I can't really explain what I am searching for... maybe just the inner most love I need to feel or the way I felt as a teenager. I wanted to be a nun and was probably the most religious teen you would ever find. Maybe that is what I am longing for - my old self.

Please don't get me wrong. I love Ben and often cry when I rock him to sleep every night because God has blessed us with a wonderful child, who is sweet, and calm, and loving. I cry because I have never seen such a peaceful, wonderful, more precious babe in the world. As he sleeps in my arms I never want to put him down. I never want him to feel pain, and never want anything to happen to him. He is my love, he is my soul. I love Ben and Jonathan. They are my world, my love, my happiness. Even on these grumpy days.

making the best out of the day

Well Ben and I had plans to go get some groceries but when we got to the car it didn't want to start... I tried and tried and nothing, but then one last time with hubby on the phone it started but it was rough sounding, so we opted not to take the car somewhere and risk us getting stuck till 4pm.. so we went back inside to get the cuddly wrap and went for a beautiful walk instead. We usually are in deep freezes by now but this week has been a treat with temperatures going as high as +6 degrees celsius! We started out on some trails, and then headed into a man-made- footprint trail to get a photo and then I fell. not hard, and nothing serious, just into the snow. so I was waist deep in some snow with Ben on the front of me.... We made it out alive and well - he slept through the whole thing...

Half of my walk was dealing with some work for tomorrow. Yup that's right, work.. I live in Canada but don't qualify for a year off because I am self-employed. so I don't even get paid to take this time off. So I work the occasional time to help pay the bills. We are looking into dayhome costs and people but right now I have wonderful sister-in-laws who are at home, who are more then happy to watch Ben for a few hours.

We have been struggling at night with Ben to sleep. I don't mind waking up to feed him once or twice a night, but his hands are the big problem. He wakes himself up ALL THE TIME! with his hands. We have a love/hate relationship with them! We have been trying to swaddle him but he's houdini and can get out of any swaddle we put him in. I even had my husband try thinking he could do it tighter or better then me but nope, Ben can and will get out of it! A fellow october mommy recommended a video... I tried it for both his naps today and so far so good!

here is a similar video to what I've been trying.. Morning nap -success! afternoon nap - still going on! it's only been about 40 mins so far but so far so good. except he is starting to stir...

Friday Family Fun Day!

So it's a wonderful friday! Ben's been a little cranky but that's because he didn't sleep well last night and is refusing to sleepmore then 20 mins at a time today. We started taking him swimming on friday afternoons because Jon is done school around noon and then this way we don't have to deal with the saturday/sunday crowds of things. Ben is a water baby... loves the bath. He's our little fish! We've been doing our cash budgetthis week and we have a jar that says - date night- well we like to use it for family time such as taking Ben swimming. It's pretty expensive - 9.00bucks each so 18.00$ just to go swimming... but we love doing that instead of going out to diner now. (here are a few pics before our wonderful underwater camera broke underwater... )

Although tonight we are having date night and this is the first time we are leaving Ben to go out together. I did have to leave him yesterday to head to work. My aunt has graciously offered to watch Ben for a few hours. We didn't really know what we wanted to do but decided maybe just a nice diner, nothing fancy, nothing expensive. so we are heading to our up-scale pizza joint to share a pizza and maybe have a glass of wine! We won't be gone too long since Ben is grumpy in the evenings wanting to cluster feed and still attached to me. so we will be close by in case of a milk emergency.

Anyway this is now our little thing to do so that we can all spend time together and not just at home, watching tv, cleaning, or cooking. and it also helps Ben sleep through the night. Not that I mind waking up once and awhile but lately with all these cluster feedings it has me warn out.

2011

Oh I am so excited to see what this year has in store for us! This is our year to pay most of our debt off... silly school debt! but we are getting it under control and paying off credit cards, canceling credit cards, and saving for vacations! (among other things) ! we have started the Jar budget by Gail Vaz-Oxlade. This is our first week doing it and it seems to be going well.

We have also started taking Benny swimming on friday afternoons. Hubby is done school around lunch so then we go when it isn't too busy at the pool. Ben slept from 830pm till 630am that night and then we had a lazy day waking up! It was wonderful and would rather have that family time then go out for supper.

We have also been making ALL our meals at home. That's been wonderful, although I need to work on my cooking skills. and we are trying to eat healthier but with cold winters, the produce prices are high and they don't last too long. I can't wait for summer again... although I need to work on my gardening skills too... I love having a veggie garden, I just can't keep up with all the weeds back there and I refuse to spray them with things. we might skip it this year, and get the weeds under control and then plant next year...

Jon and I became Godparents to our little nephew J! We are soooo honored to be his Godparents! He is a special little guy who is fighting hard for life since the moment he was born! He's thriving! (All our nieces and nephews are very special to us!) Ben, Jon and I continue to pray for J every night! We are so glad that he gets to be home with his family and that his twin sister K is keeping him going with all her love! They are both so precious!

I am still searching for my faith. I know it is there, I believe in God and His son Jesus.. I seemed to have fallen out of everything over the years.. so I guess it isn't searching for my faith but to reconnected with it. I say that every year that we need to get back into church and be more involved with it. And to incorporate Jesus' teachings in our everyday life. It's the simple things... like holding doors open for someone and remembering to say please and thank you. I find that city living can make you forget about all those simple things and it is so easy to fall into the negative lifestyles. Maybe it's that I want to raise Ben in a respectful society even if others aren't.

So I leave you with this... do something beautiful this week. You don't even have to believe in God to do this... it can be as simple as saying hi to the stranger walking by, or in this weather to stop and help someone who is stuck. But do something beautiful for someone else.