weekend

I wanted to post friday funbuBen's been pretty sick with a nasty cold so here is what we did in summary

{my water baby!}

-went on a lunch date! (to my favorite pizza joint!)

-went family swimming

-finally hung photos and such up on the wall - we have some wedding photos up now - it's only going on 3 years!

-cleaned our house pretty darn good

-took Ben to emergency for his cold - had to take some medicine to open his lungs up

-hung out with some amazing friends that came up from calgary

-had a birthday dinner with family

-had to repair a flat tire.....uggg

- had to cancel a coffee date because ben was sick :(

-and snuggled lots with Ben!!

all in all it was a pretty relaxing weekend.

{ben's shelve we finally got up- in the middle is my grandmother's rosary-she passed away 8 days before Ben was born}

{we were not good with plaster casts for his hands and feet so we did paint! I love this idea more and it cost us less then 3 bucks for both!}

bad days

Ugh it's been one of those days.... when you want to stay in bed till noon and that noone bothers you. Both Ben and I seemed to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed... well in Ben's case - his crib. His nighttime sleeping habits have been driving me bananas! goes to bed at 830pm, wakes up at 1230am, then again at 2,4,6am.... really kiddo?! you can't be my child cause I love sleep! so this morning I bring him into our bed at 630am, feed and then put him next to me with the computer on so that I can maybe just sleep another 20 mins... but nope that's not the case. He's fussy - I try to put him back to bed , it works for 30 mins and he's up again. so we get up, I try to play with him - nope doesn't want that... he eats, fusses, grumpy pants, doesn't want anything to do with anything. so I finally get him to have a good nap - and I take one too - it's 10am now and we are both napping -we both then wake up at 1130am. I have tons of cleaning and cooking to do today and thinking that the hour and a half nap as help us I am eager to get up and get going in a happier mood for both of us... but nope. we aren't. He doesn't want to eat properly... in fact this is an on going issue where he just squirms! drives me bananas! It's been a rough day and feeling like a horrible mother. I wanted to put him in a time out and kept repeating no to him.. No we don't eat like that, No we don't scream like that, no no no... Poor little guy. He doesn't even know the meaning of it. and it doesn't help that I wasn't in the mood for it today. There were only about 3 times where we smiled today, even though I didn't want to I tried. I hate the word No. It's hard for me to say no to people. or well it used to be... but it can be used in such a negative way. I really need to be more positive when we are having grumpy days. I think I am still adjusting to this motherhood thing. I used to be able just to sleep off my grumpiness when I wanted to , shower when I wanted to, cook and eat when I wanted to.. with Ben these things are not when I want to but when I can... Jon is home now, he saw me in tears but just said go - I don't want to see you until Ben is hungry. I had a shower, I am now sitting writing this, I lit some candles in our room, and will begin to read some more of my Mother Theresa book. I feel horrible. Jon goes to school all day and then comes home and needs to study - but here I am at the door waiting to hand Ben off to him. Usually this is not the case, but today I need a break. And I am sure Ben can use one too.

So going to another topic, Mother Teresa.

I have always idolized her. When ever I had to write a paper on who you look up to, it was always her. I started reading her book "come be my light - the private writings of the saint of calcutta" last year and never finished it.. in fact I didn't get half way through it. but I picked it up again just before Christmas. I have always wanted to be like her. Kind and thoughtful of others, spiritual, and all around wonderful person. But it was only recently that I noticed how much I was like her. Not nearly as wonderful but so similar. She started questioning her faith -I felt so guilty questioning mine. I used to want to help people and be kind to others, but lost that way when my father had his accident. this is where I lost my faith. I lost the path I wanted to be on. and still struggle to get back on that path. In the shower today as I felt so lost and helpless. I reflected on why I want to go back to church.. It isn't to show Jesus or God I am here and want to get into heaven. It is to remind myself of all the good things in life and all the things I want to do. Such as, being patient with Ben on his grumpy days, to be kind to the people around us and far away from us, to love my husband for all he is and does, to enjoy life instead of just saying just another day or tomorrow will be better. To seek joy and love in all life as to offer for us. This is taught to us through His word. sometimes it is easier to have someone else remind us of it. Jesus did this each and every day. You don't have to be religious or believe in Jesus to be reminded to be kind to others, to be patient with others, to love others, you just have to be a better person and see what is good in this world. I have lost that. I am trying to find that. The worse part is I think I will find it in a day - when I know this is not the case. I want to have this epiphany about it - where I just wake up one day and all of a sudden my faith is there, that life is simple, that I get it. but I know I will continue to search for this, and I can't really explain what I am searching for... maybe just the inner most love I need to feel or the way I felt as a teenager. I wanted to be a nun and was probably the most religious teen you would ever find. Maybe that is what I am longing for - my old self.

Please don't get me wrong. I love Ben and often cry when I rock him to sleep every night because God has blessed us with a wonderful child, who is sweet, and calm, and loving. I cry because I have never seen such a peaceful, wonderful, more precious babe in the world. As he sleeps in my arms I never want to put him down. I never want him to feel pain, and never want anything to happen to him. He is my love, he is my soul. I love Ben and Jonathan. They are my world, my love, my happiness. Even on these grumpy days.

making the best out of the day

Well Ben and I had plans to go get some groceries but when we got to the car it didn't want to start... I tried and tried and nothing, but then one last time with hubby on the phone it started but it was rough sounding, so we opted not to take the car somewhere and risk us getting stuck till 4pm.. so we went back inside to get the cuddly wrap and went for a beautiful walk instead. We usually are in deep freezes by now but this week has been a treat with temperatures going as high as +6 degrees celsius! We started out on some trails, and then headed into a man-made- footprint trail to get a photo and then I fell. not hard, and nothing serious, just into the snow. so I was waist deep in some snow with Ben on the front of me.... We made it out alive and well - he slept through the whole thing...

Half of my walk was dealing with some work for tomorrow. Yup that's right, work.. I live in Canada but don't qualify for a year off because I am self-employed. so I don't even get paid to take this time off. So I work the occasional time to help pay the bills. We are looking into dayhome costs and people but right now I have wonderful sister-in-laws who are at home, who are more then happy to watch Ben for a few hours.

We have been struggling at night with Ben to sleep. I don't mind waking up to feed him once or twice a night, but his hands are the big problem. He wakes himself up ALL THE TIME! with his hands. We have a love/hate relationship with them! We have been trying to swaddle him but he's houdini and can get out of any swaddle we put him in. I even had my husband try thinking he could do it tighter or better then me but nope, Ben can and will get out of it! A fellow october mommy recommended a video... I tried it for both his naps today and so far so good!

here is a similar video to what I've been trying.. Morning nap -success! afternoon nap - still going on! it's only been about 40 mins so far but so far so good. except he is starting to stir...

Friday Family Fun Day!

So it's a wonderful friday! Ben's been a little cranky but that's because he didn't sleep well last night and is refusing to sleepmore then 20 mins at a time today. We started taking him swimming on friday afternoons because Jon is done school around noon and then this way we don't have to deal with the saturday/sunday crowds of things. Ben is a water baby... loves the bath. He's our little fish! We've been doing our cash budgetthis week and we have a jar that says - date night- well we like to use it for family time such as taking Ben swimming. It's pretty expensive - 9.00bucks each so 18.00$ just to go swimming... but we love doing that instead of going out to diner now. (here are a few pics before our wonderful underwater camera broke underwater... )

Although tonight we are having date night and this is the first time we are leaving Ben to go out together. I did have to leave him yesterday to head to work. My aunt has graciously offered to watch Ben for a few hours. We didn't really know what we wanted to do but decided maybe just a nice diner, nothing fancy, nothing expensive. so we are heading to our up-scale pizza joint to share a pizza and maybe have a glass of wine! We won't be gone too long since Ben is grumpy in the evenings wanting to cluster feed and still attached to me. so we will be close by in case of a milk emergency.

Anyway this is now our little thing to do so that we can all spend time together and not just at home, watching tv, cleaning, or cooking. and it also helps Ben sleep through the night. Not that I mind waking up once and awhile but lately with all these cluster feedings it has me warn out.

2011

Oh I am so excited to see what this year has in store for us! This is our year to pay most of our debt off... silly school debt! but we are getting it under control and paying off credit cards, canceling credit cards, and saving for vacations! (among other things) ! we have started the Jar budget by Gail Vaz-Oxlade. This is our first week doing it and it seems to be going well.

We have also started taking Benny swimming on friday afternoons. Hubby is done school around lunch so then we go when it isn't too busy at the pool. Ben slept from 830pm till 630am that night and then we had a lazy day waking up! It was wonderful and would rather have that family time then go out for supper.

We have also been making ALL our meals at home. That's been wonderful, although I need to work on my cooking skills. and we are trying to eat healthier but with cold winters, the produce prices are high and they don't last too long. I can't wait for summer again... although I need to work on my gardening skills too... I love having a veggie garden, I just can't keep up with all the weeds back there and I refuse to spray them with things. we might skip it this year, and get the weeds under control and then plant next year...

Jon and I became Godparents to our little nephew J! We are soooo honored to be his Godparents! He is a special little guy who is fighting hard for life since the moment he was born! He's thriving! (All our nieces and nephews are very special to us!) Ben, Jon and I continue to pray for J every night! We are so glad that he gets to be home with his family and that his twin sister K is keeping him going with all her love! They are both so precious!

I am still searching for my faith. I know it is there, I believe in God and His son Jesus.. I seemed to have fallen out of everything over the years.. so I guess it isn't searching for my faith but to reconnected with it. I say that every year that we need to get back into church and be more involved with it. And to incorporate Jesus' teachings in our everyday life. It's the simple things... like holding doors open for someone and remembering to say please and thank you. I find that city living can make you forget about all those simple things and it is so easy to fall into the negative lifestyles. Maybe it's that I want to raise Ben in a respectful society even if others aren't.

So I leave you with this... do something beautiful this week. You don't even have to believe in God to do this... it can be as simple as saying hi to the stranger walking by, or in this weather to stop and help someone who is stuck. But do something beautiful for someone else.